Insomnia

I have so many thoughts racing through my head..it is at night time, when I can quietly sit alone with out the noises of my daily life that I can think....I love alone time.I NEED alone time. But I also need sleep...My brain starts to panic as soon as the sun goes down over the horizon...That pink, glowing, sunset sky...the nightmare of my concious mind....I dred this time of the day...because no matter how exhausted my body is...my mind wont relax and shut up so I can sleep...Its taking a toll on my body and on my soul, and in truth..the person I am in my everyday life..but aside from sleeplessness comes the calm quiet stillness that surounds me as i sit and ponder. Alot goes through my mind and i can recharge it for another day of motherhood.....i guess thats part of being a mother..The constant worry for my children..from school to friends to health issues...I love my kids. They love me...thats about it for now

How I became a mother...

I was 17..A little girl who thought she knew it all..I hated kids! Anoying,rude and forever filthy..I will NEVER have kids! EVER!
whelp....we all know THAT changed, becasue if it didnt..I wouldnt be writing in this blog!
Like I said..17 and knew it all...No one was gunna tell me what to do! No ONE! my best friend Shane and I made a choice, and that choice became the start of the rotaion of my whole universe..As soon as I found out I was pregnant my heart was forever changed. Something in me..deep down from the pit of my soul changed.This little human, this little person..Growing and feeding off me.Living inside my body.I was gunna be a mom. Landin came into this world on March 27th 1999..A whopping 9 ponds 5 oz. was 18 by the time he came into my world.!8 when this little life became MY whole life! From the moment they laid his little body on my chest, covered in blood and crying, I knew, with every beat of my heart that he was ment for me. Such an unexplainable feeling when you become a mother. Its not something you can be taught, not something that can be explained. Its a phenominom. Its natural...Pure Nature and instincts. I loved my baby with all I had.How did I go from a selfish little teen, to be so willing to give up my life at any moment for this little human? Motherhood came natural for me. I never once felt helpless or lost while caring for my son. Never once did I regret him or not want him. He was my EVERYTHING!
When Landin was 3 months old, I found out i was pregnant again!!!! It had to be the first time I made love to my husband after giving birth, because I did it once, and didnt do it again for a looooong while haha
How at 18 am I going to raise 2 infants? I wasnt afraid..BRING IT! i thought...BRING IT ON!
I married my husband..at 18 i was a wife of a new born baby and pregnant with another.
On March 23 2000 Liam was born. 4 days before his older brother turned 1 years old. by this time I was 19...a mother of 2! and I was head over heels in love with my 2 beautiful sons. Im not saying it wasnt hard, and miserable, and down right heart breaking at times..but I will tell you that no one in this world had ever loved me the way I loved my sons. Not even my own mother..Not even her.Never had I felt so Importaint as a human, then I was to these boys.They needed me, and I too needed them. It was something I always longed for as a child and teen...Just to be wanted and loved. And I had it! Finnaly! I never thought that it would come this way but I gladly took it and ran!
My boys were also ment for eachother. They needed one another. A perfect balance.
When Liam was 3 and Landin was 4..On Valentines day I gave birth to my sweet and only daughter Dixie Lue. A 9 pound 11 oz little angel.I was 22 with 3 kids now. A husband who was a slve to his work, and all alone except for my babies....Lastly when I turned 25 I had my last....when they say they save the best for last they were right. Actualy..I love all my kids the same, and with the same unconditional intence love...but My last little baby was special..Lucky is his name. And no one could be any luckier then me...I had it all! 3 sons...1 daughter and an amazing husband and father for my kids
Now Landin is 11, Liam is 10, Dixie is 7 and Lucky will be 4...
But this is how it ALLLLL BEGAN!

Mother Hood Through My Eyes...

So Ive set up this blog to free my brain of all the things I never get to say..with out judgment, without drama. An outlet to express my ideas,my frustrations and my love of motherhood, and all the adventures that come along with it..hope you enjoy!